The following was written by ddespair for IsItModern?.
“Ever since I was a child, music has been important to me. Forced and thrust into the waters of piano lessons and watching “Amadeus” over and over again on family movie night bolstered this, I’m sure. -As I’m sure that it is a commonality for people who find their passions young and continue with them into older years. I always wanted to be Amadeus and Salieiri, revered for their music. To wave one’s arms and give rise to something greater than themselves. What a dream that, until now was only a dream! And there’s the other side, the side I know was there, but I chose to let it skirt the sunlight. Music is significant because music intersected another part of me, and that part was the need to express my femininity. I’m certain we could go back and forth on what it means to be feminine in 2015. It might not even be PC to say it any more with the rise of what gender identity has come to evolve into. I use it only because it’s what I grew up with and what I know, and what I know is that I like to dress like a woman. Victorian Summer is the summation of my inner most desires to feel feminine and it brings me great joy that these two things have come together in a kaleidoscope of self expression. This is more than an album of music to me. It’s the birth of my identity.
Now, I suppose we have to talk about cross-dressing. I’ll have to say out of the gate that in many aspects, I’m not Bruce Jenner. Cross-dressing isn’t Trans and I don’t desire to physically become a woman, nor claim our journeys have experienced the same route. They are two different plights, if you will. I also don’t desire to put my cross-dressing at the forefront of my passion. I don’t have any lyrics pertaining to cross-dressing or questioning your masculinity. I don’t use words like “Queen” and “Drag” in my songs. I believe that by not acknowledging the cross-dressing, it can be therefore seen as an everyday thing. Drawing attention to it would mean using it for ulterior motives. It’s not what my music is about. I don’t want a sermon in my pop music. I think pop is supposed to be fun, and there are a lot of places on the internet today where you can get your heavy does of real life, so let’s just have fun. I don’t want to impose my will on people and I don’t ask for acceptance. -and anyway, this is a new thing for me. I’m a baby cross-dresser. I can’t speak to the hardships and struggles that cross-dressers before me have endured. I’m not here to claim or reap anything, I’m just here to make some fun music and express myself how I’ve always wanted to!
..With that in mind. I love my new music video, Strain! Strain is a song that is very centrifugal, in that it has deep roots in Alternative Rock, which spiral outward into Pop. It’s very entrancing and it aims to suck you into it’s jaws. The Attic Guitar synth creates a steady churning that carefully guides you through the song. It protects the vulnerable soul and allows the lyrics to safely carry on.
“Looking back is easy when you’re away”
-“Strain” by ddespair
The very first line of my song Strain, “Looking back is easy when you’re away” could easily be attributed to a relationship. To reminisce on a past moment is easier and more pleasurable when there is not another figure in that moment who would otherwise disturb it. But I think, to me, it’s my battle with my masculinity. This worry that I was never masculine enough to be what a man should be. That these moments were flawed and lessened by my inability to act as a man does. It’s hard to explain, but it’s an important lesson on regrets and remembering that the past is the past. Strain is there to remind me of that past, but much like a lot of the past which could be deemed as regrettable, we have to go there to help educate and motivate ourselves toward a better future. Strain was the first song I wrote for Victorian Summer. It was almost like, “well, now that that’s over with, let’s have some fun!” and I am having fun!””